ADHD Hope Newsletter
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Calm Parenting
It's the Right Thing to Do
 
An amazing friend of mine recently told me that calm never fails.  He said that being a calm parent doesn't mean your children are always going to change, but it is always the right thing to do. For those of you out there who are struggling with parenting your intense child, remember that remaining calm is always the right thing to do.  The very best thing you can do for your children is to remain in control of yourself, which sets a perfect example for your kids when they are feeling out of control themselves.  How can we expect our kids to control themselves if we are not in control of ourselves? 
 
Please understand that when I refer to being a calm parent, I do not mean that you should avoid conflict by simply allowing your children to do whatever they want, and I don't mean that I want you to withhold consequences from your children to maintain peace.  Kids need boundaries, and parents need to set them.  A calm parent is both loving and firm, while remaining in control of her own actions and behaviors.  A calm parent commands respect.  A calm parent expects her kids to make mistakes, and even embraces those mistakes by turning them into meaningful learning experiences.  A calm parent understands that it takes time for a child (especially an intense child) to learn to change her behavior and be in control of herself, and celebrates progress rather than expecting perfection.  A calm parent teaches by example.     
 
For those of you who have been reading my newsletters for awhile, you know that I have three boys, my oldest of whom is an intense, emotional, wonderful child.  In his lifetime, he (Jared) has at one time or another been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and more recently Asperger's Syndrome.  Truly though, he is my amazing, sweet little boy who has come a long, long way over the past few years.  As I reflect upon what has brought about the numerous positive changes in him, I recognize several contributing factors.  One is age and maturity, and another is other people (professionals, friends and family members) who have worked with him and believed in him, and another factor has been fostering his talents and passions.  However, I wholeheartedly believe that the number one contributing factor in my son's progress has been us changing as parents, making tremendous changes in ourselves.  My son has transformed us every bit as much as we have transformed him.     
 
You have the ultimate power as parents, to change your kids' behavior through changing your own behavior and becoming calm parents.  How cool is that?  You can also learn about your children's unique needs and meet those needs proactively.  Once you understand and meet the needs of your intense child, it's amazing what happens to his behavior. 

A Personal Example of Calm Parenting

 
As I have said, my son has come a long way over the years.  However, he is still an intense child with strong emotions.  He has learned to cope in many ways, but he still makes mistakes (Who doesn't?).  I'd like to share an example from last night to demonstrate how calm parenting is always the right thing to do, and how it can be extremely helpful in calming an explosive situation. 
 
After dinner last night I told my son he could have a small piece of candy.  A few minutes later, I walked by him in the hallway and saw a certain look in his eyes that told me he had done something wrong (Moms always know).  I asked him if he had taken extra candy, and he lied and told me no.  A few minutes later I caught him eating more candy and he lied to me again and said it was the same candy he was eating before (real smooth, it was a different color).  After digging the extra candy wrappers out of his pockets, I told him calmly that he would not be having anymore treats for a week, and for lying he'd be missing out on the fifteen minutes he had left of playtime before bed. 
 
This is when Jared decided to start yelling and screaming and refusing to walk up the stairs to the bathroom to take his shower.  After my husband carried him up to the bathroom, Jared continued to yell and wouldn't get undressed and get in the shower.  He was rolling around on the floor, trying to make it past his dad and make a break for it out of the bathroom.  Things were escalating into a power struggle, which is never good, so I decided to take the calm approach.  I asked my husband to go play with our other boys, and I closed the bathroom door and plopped myself down on the floor and calmly told Jared that I was going to sit there until he calmed down.  I put my legs out in front of me and leaned back in a calm posture so I wouldn't appear angry.  After about one minute of yelling and rolling, he got up and calmly sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me.  We were silent for another minute or two, then he said, "Thank you, Mom."  That was the best.  A quick, calm resolution with no guilt.
 
After Jared was calm, we were able to sit and calmly discuss the situation.  We had a great conversation that turned the whole incident into a learning experience for Jared.  We were able to come up with a plan for the next time he felt like lying, and also for the next time he throws a fit.  We listened to each other and worked out a solution.  None of that would have happened had the power struggle continued, had I not taken the calm approach.  And yes, he did take his shower without a fight after that :)