ADHD Hope Newsletter 
A Unique Way to Stop a Bully

Most of our kids or students have been bullied at one time or another, and many have been a bully themselves.  I would like to share with you (with permission) the story of a young girl I am working with, and the simple step she took to stop a bully from bothering her anymore.  I share this story in hopes that parents and teachers can pass on the lesson to their students and children, so that we can empower children to stop being a victim and do something positive to stop bullies on their own.
 
One of the girls I work with (let's call her Shelly) had been complaining that another girl (we'll call her Tiffany) in her class had been bullying her since the first day of school.  Every time Shelly walked by Tiffany, Tiffany tried to push, punch or kick her.  Shelly had tried several of the traditional interventions that adults teach children, including asking Tiffany to stop and walking away and ignoring her, but Tiffany still bullied her every chance she got. 
 
After talking with Shelly about her class, I discovered that her teacher has the class sit in a circle at the end of every day to have students share something they liked about the day, something they learned, or give a compliment to another student.
(Side note for teachers:  I think this sharing circle is such a fabulous idea, even for older children!  It helps build classroom community and goes a long way toward creating a positive classroom environment.  Research has clearly demonstrated that excellent classroom and school environments are crucial for improving student learning, and that strengthening instruction generally does not improve academic outcomes in a school or classroom with a poor environment.  Therefore, spend that extra time giving your kids time to bond with you and each other, and give them many opportunities to make positive contributions to the class.)       

I realized that this sharing circle provided the perfect opportunity for Shelly to stop Tiffany from bullying her anymore.  I told Shelly to pay attention to Tiffany when she was not acting like a bully.  I asked Shelly to find just one thing, even something very small, that she liked about Tiffany.  Then came the hard part.  I asked Shelly to share that one thing with the class in the form of a compliment during circle time.  The next day, Shelly came home and told her Mom, "I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't find something I like about her."  Her Mom wisely told her to keep looking, that there had to be something good about Tiffany.   

After school the next day, Shelly told her Mom that she told the whole class that she liked the way Tiffany took good care of the classroom pet.  That's all she said.  And guess what?  The next day, Tiffany approached Shelly and began talking about pets and animals, which they both enjoy.  I wouldn't say they are friends just yet, but there is no more bullying going on.  Awesome job, Shelly!

Why should your child compliment a bully?

 
1. It empowers the victim of bullying to do something to stop the bully.
 
2. It builds self-confidence in the victim and the bully, which helps prevent further bullying.
 
3. It helps create a positive school and classroom environment, which improves learning.
 
I do not take bullying lightly, and I understand that some situations require very serious interventions.  With that said, I love to empower children to solve their own problems whenever possible.  Teach your students or kids to look for good in others, and model for them how to verbalize what they notice.  Bullies are often not mean at heart, but are struggling with their own problems, frustrations, and low self-esteem.  They wrongly resort to bullying to make themselves seem better, but they really don't feel better inside.  Everyone loves to hear good things about themselves, so I say go for it.  As often as possible, find something good to say about those kids you don't really connect with, then say it.  They need to hear it!  Teachers and parents, let this start with you, then watch it trickle down to your students and kids. 
 
Here's a fun tip: Say something nice about someone to another person, pretending that you don't know they are listening.  People are more likely to truly believe good things about themselves when they think they have overheard it.  Teachers, tell the parent of a difficult child something positive about that child in front of him (or make sure he "overhears")  as often as possible.  Your efforts will be repaid, I promise!